


Five Times The Rogues Tried to Steal Christmas (But Allowed Barry to Get Laid Instead)

by zarabithia



Category: The Flash (Comics)
Genre: Bisexuality, Christmas, F/M, Hatesex, M/M, Multi, Open Marriage, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 23:38:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarabithia/pseuds/zarabithia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry and Iris are very happy together, separately, and with the help of others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times The Rogues Tried to Steal Christmas (But Allowed Barry to Get Laid Instead)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skew/gifts).



**I. Iris West-Allen & Ralph Dibny & Sue Dibny **

"Tell me, Flash, does the Weather Wizard ever throw any good weather at you?" Ralph asked as they made their way home among ridiculous amounts of snow that, when combined with Central City's late December cold front, was not going to melt anytime soon. 

"Nope. I'm afraid that would go against his whole supervillain shtick," Barry admitted. "But it is tailored to the season. Lots of ice, snow and sleet in the winter, and lots of rain in the summer. It's very _thoughtful_ of him." 

Except, of course, when he was feeling contrary, Barry didn't add. Then of course, there were the tornadoes and the attempts at hurricanes and a casual blizzard in July... 

Okay, so maybe Barry should feel a little more grateful for the blizzard that Weather Wizard had decided to use than he currently was. 

"Yeah, thoughtful. That's _exactly_ the word I'm looking for." Ralph's fingers extended down to pick up a ball of snow, and he rolled it lazily between his fingers. "Especially when I'm walking home with one of the few fellas in the JLA that I can't beat in a snow fight." 

"I apologize for not being Green Arrow," Barry retorted, because even Christmas Eve deserved a nice passive-aggressive comment on Oliver Queen, and Barry was not above enjoying the idea of Ollie getting pelted with some snowballs. 

"Of all your faults, you need never apologize for that," Ralph answered with a snort. "But speaking of our JLA buddies, you think we should call any of them to help do clean-up of all this snow? It could use some heat vision. Maybe some giant green snow plows." 

Barry smiled softly. "Use your powers, pal, and take a good look at how people are reacting to this snow." 

Barry'd run a few laps around the city when they'd been fighting the Weather Wizard, and any plans he'd had on getting rid of the snow had been abandoned. Children were building snowmen, parents were out sledding with their children, and he'd even seen a couple ice skating. 

"Yeah, they seem to be enjoying it," Ralph noted after he'd stretched up above the rooftops to look out over the city. "Don't need X-Ray vision to see that. It'd probably make you a terrible Grinch to make Frosty disappear, huh?" 

"And what kind of hero would that make me?" Barry joked lightly. "To say nothing of how disappointed in me certain farmers would be for pulling away their only son on Christmas Eve to clear up some snow. Besides, Flash speed cleared up the sidewalks and roads. People can do their last minute shopping and get to work if they need to." 

"Fair enough. Let's leave Big S to his pie, then, and GL to whatever it is that he does on Christmas Eve," Ralph decided. 

"It probably involves ladies," Barry said with an eye roll. "At least, until he comes over tomorrow to eat the last of our stuffing and debate with me about whether it should be called _dressing_ or not." 

"Just as well that he waits until tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to ... sharing your time with GL the way I am with the lovely ladies waiting for us at home." Ralph allowed his body to go back to its proper size with that comment, and he winked at Barry, in case his meaning wasn't clear. 

But oh, it was. 

"Do you want a ride?" Barry asked. "I can get us back to our lovely ladies _much faster._ " 

Two miles was forever to walk at a normal person's pace in the cold, when the warm arms of Iris and Sue were waiting on them. 

"Feeling impatient tonight?" Ralph teased. "That doesn't bode well for the ladies waiting at home. Or me, really." 

Later, when they had finally made it home, and the four of them had piled into a bed that would never fit all of them if one of them couldn't stretch, Barry made sure to remind Ralph of his comment. Long after Sue and Iris were contently wrapped in one another's arms and happy to watch their "silly boys," as Iris affectionately called them, Ralph was still begging nearly incoherently for release. 

But Barry was _very_ patient.

*  
 **II. Iris West-Allen & Dinah Lance**

"You know, I think I should have just stayed in Gotham. It's not as obnoxiously cold unless Freeze is on the loose, and the Rogues don't try to pick me up," Dinah announced as Barry welcomed her into the Allen apartment. She sounded irritated. 

Well, Barry supposed he'd be irritated too if he kept trying to have _meaningful_ relationships with _Oliver Queen_ , of all people. 

"As Central City's resident superhero, I feel as though I should be offended," Barry answered. "Central's not perfect by any means, but it's not as bad as _Gotham._ "

Barry wasn't sure that he could handle living in a place like Gotham.While a murder was a murder regardless of where it was committed ... at least in Central City, there was a hope that there weren't fifty more just like it that were never going to be solved. 

Batman was a good man and a good hero, but he couldn't be everywhere at once. None of them could, and in his heart, Barry didn't think he was strong enough to live somewhere where hope was so absent. 

Dinah rolled her eyes at him, but offered him a kiss on the cheek before making her way to the kitchen. "As the resident superhero, you should give me a thank you. I ran into a few of your Rogues on the way here and spared you from having to go put on the suit and go out in this freezing weather. What is with the Midwest and trying to freeze people to death? And oh, god, Iris, thank you, I could drink an entire pot of coffee." 

Barry leaned in the doorway of kitchen and watched her drink. She drank her coffee like she did everything else: full of emotion and enthusiasm that was almost exhausting to watch. It was amazing and watching her drink her coffee was enough to make Barry remember the might-have-been between them, in the first year of the JLA. 

He didn't regret that it hadn't happened; he loved Iris. 

But his relationship with Iris was different from what he'd imagined it to be back then, and they were both here ... 

"You should try the cookies, too. Barry made and decorated them, which you can tell by the very _detailed_ border on the stars," Iris suggested, gesturing at the cookies on the kitchen table. 

"Actually, it's the fact that Santa has a bow-tie that is the dead giveaway," Dinah laughed, but she reached down and picked one up. She bit down very _delicately_ on the cookie, and that certainly wasn't helping Barry's train of thought. 

"Which one of the Rogues did you run into?" Barry asked. "Did they give you any trouble?"

"I don't know the names of your Rogues, Barry. I don't live here, and they only have a weird hard-on for pissing you off, most days. The Mirror Guy? Weird Guy With the Polka Dots? Lame Mister Freeze Wanna-Be?" 

"Those are wonderful descriptions," Iris laughed. "I may have to use them in my next article." 

"I am fairly certain that Mister Freeze is a lame Captain Cold Wanna-Be," Barry protested. 

"You would think so," Dinah answered and her laugh mingled with Iris's in a way that sounded _just right_ in their little kitchen. 

"Why didn't you call for backup?" Barry asked. 

"It's Christmas - or very nearly. Besides, I can certainly handle three supervillains on my _own_ , Barry Allen." She set the coffee cup down on the table, tapped her throat pointedly, as if to remind him of her powers. "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Don't be _Oliver Queen_." 

"Well, now, that's just mean," Barry answered. "I take it the two of you are on the outs again?" 

"Because he is ridiculous. Yes, I know, I know. _We accept the people in our lives that we think we deserve_ , terrible life choices, blah blah. You're terribly biased though, Bare." 

"But I'm still _right_ ," Barry grumbled. Really, Dinah could do so much _better._

"But now is hardly the time to rub it in," Iris chided lightly. "Do you know what would be a much better use of our time?" 

"Eating all of these cookies and finding more Rogues to beat up?" Dinah suggested. 

"Well, _eating_ might be part of the description, if we wanted to be crude," Iris replied, with a wink in Barry's direction.

He didn't blush easily - that was Clark's department - but that comment and the surprise on Dinah's face was enough to do it. "That sounds like a great idea," Barry agreed. "If everyone here is willing." 

Iris rested her hand lightly on Dinah's hip, and Dinah rested easily into the touch, and returned the gesture, after only a moment of consideration. 

"You know," she said, leaning her head on Iris' shoulder, "Ollie seems to think that Barry's too much of a repressed Midwestern _conservative_ to properly go _downtown_ at all." 

"Well, that's never been my experience," Iris remarked. 

Which was true and reassuring, but Barry still spent the next two hours with his head between both Dinah and Iris's legs, because Oliver Queen had no idea what he was talking about.

*

**III. Hal Jordan**

"So, you don't actually need any help cleaning those up, do you?" Hal asked as he took a seat on the billboard that Barry was currently cleaning. Someday he was going to appreciate Trickster's tricks. Someday. "I mean, gum balls, really? Seems a little ... not worthy of a team-up. And you seem to be moving particularly slow today. Something up?" 

"Rogues concocted some spores. Took away my speed for a while. Could have used a team-up about twenty minutes ago when I was still trying to round them up," Barry answered. 

"If I'd known that, I would have left Star City earlier. You should have called," Hal answered. "The speed thing is temporary, though, right?" 

"Yes. I could barely move at all four hours ago, but I was able to come up with an antidote. I'm moving fine now, and I figure I should have my speed back by the morning. You get bored pestering GA?" 

It was a little earlier than Barry actually expected Hal to show up. Traditionally, through the years, Hal only showed up late on Christmas night, and only if there wasn't some reason to be out in space or off on some "must discover myself" trip with Oliver Queen.

Barry was pretty sure the only thing that anybody could "discover" about theirself on a trip with Oliver Queen was just how far their patience could be pushed before they snapped and turned supervillain.

"Ha. You know, he asked me if I didn't get _bored_ when I came out to visit you. The jealousy thing the two of you have? It's cute." 

"I'm not jealous of Oliver Queen," Barry answered. "I am not, and I resent you implying that I am." 

"No, you're not jealous at all. Just cranky as hell whenever he is mentioned, and vice versa." Hal rolled his eyes. "I keep telling you, Barry, just give in and have that threesome with us. It will relieve the unresolved sexual tension and everyone in the JLA will be owe me their first born. Or high five me. Or both." 

Barry scowled at him as he picked up the last gumball. "I am never, ever having sex with Oliver Queen, Hal. You need to let that fantasy go." 

"Killjoy." Hal made a ladder for them to get down to the ground, which Barry appreciated, because climbing up a billboard without superspeed or a Lantern ring was actually pretty difficult. 

"I'm sure Ollie thinks so," Barry snarked. Then he winced, because that did sound petty. "Sorry. That wasn't necessary." 

"Nope. But it's okay. I appreciate the few times you are actually vicious. It's a good look on you. Especially during a season when you're usually so chipper. Should probably let it all out before we get back home to Iris, though." 

Barry shook his head. "Iris is off visiting her parents. I was supposed to join them and bring Iris home, but then I got hit with the Rogues' spores. So I won't see her until tomorrow." 

"Ah." Hal stopped walking and put his hands in his pockets. "So ... the thing you and Iris have. Does that mean I should go home? Not sure I can be in the same house as you and resist your over the top Midwestern charm, so if the rule is that you both have to be present, I can respect that, but maybe I can respect it better a few thousand miles away." 

"No, that's not how it works." Barry shrugged. He was gone a lot and Iris was home alone a lot. Between space missions and traveling for both of their jobs, they couldn't always make their extra-marital activities match up. "The only rules are that safe sex is a must." 

"Aw, Iris doesn't want to run the risk of space STDs or random love child?" Hal asked as they started walking again. 

"No. Sounds more like something Ollie would do, anyway," Barry muttered. 

To his surprise, Hal actually gave a startled laugh. "You have no idea, Barry, and before I say anything else on the matter that I shouldn't, you want a ride home? Usually, that's your job, but with the lack of speed, I can finally pay you back for all your piggy-back rides." 

"Oh, this is you using my lack of speed to finally get the upper hand?" Barry asked. 

"Nope. I don't plan on doing that until I get you home." 

Well, with a promise like that, Barry could hardly turn down the offer of a ride.

Hal was, as always, true to his word. While Barry would be happy to have his speed back, it was nice to not have to _think_ about taking his time for a change. 

*

**IV. Hartley Rathaway**

Barry was, as anyone would tell you, constantly late. 

But when it came to Christmas shopping, he actually liked getting done _on time_ , and preferably, beating the crowds by getting the bulk of it done early. 

Just because this was his preferred method, however, didn't mean that it always happened. This year, apparently, the Rogues really didn't like the idea of him getting _any_ Christmas shopping done at all; they'd kept him busy all December with one increasingly more ridiculous plot after the other. 

And yes, Barry _was_ lumping Grodd in with the rest of the Rogues. If they didn't want to be lumped in with a mind-controlling gorilla, maybe they should have given him some time to actually get some shopping done.

So it was that Barry found himself in a music store looking for a present for Wally on December 23rd, when he bumped into Hartley Rathaway.

Hartley was supposed to be on a reformed kick these days, and all indications pointed to him being as truthful in his words as Heat Wave had been so far. That actually made Barry very happy, because supervillains reforming was better for the population of Central City, better for the villain, and better for Barry's precious Christmas shopping time.

It was still a little awkward bumping into a former nemesis while he was on parole. 

"Sorry about that," Hartley greeted. 

"Oh, no, it's my fault. Christmas shopping is leaving me a little scatter-brained," Barry admitted. "My apologies to you and to your toes." 

Really, avoiding stepping all over another man's toes should have been a gift given by super speed, and it was, but only if the brain was paying attention. 

"Completely understandable. Christmas turns everyone into a potential Rogue," Hartley said with a kind of smile that was much more charming when it wasn't surrounded by polka dots or the color green. "That's one of the reasons capitalism is evil, you know."

"I'll only agree to socialism if it will help me find a present for my nephew," Barry joked lightly. Since he'd been reformed, Hartley had been writing socialism manifestos to _Central Citizen_ on a regular basis. Oliver Queen thought it was hilarious.

Barry mostly thought that he would help Rathaway build a communist commune in the middle of Central City if it would keep him from returning to his old ways, and if Oliver Queen didn't understand why he felt that way, then there was even less hope for Oliver Queen than Barry had previously believed.

"How old is he?" Hartley asked. "You look pretty young to be having nephews old enough to appreciate any of this music. Unless he just has exceptionally advanced taste." 

"He's my nephew by marriage, and he has teenager taste," Barry answered, and he wondered if he was imagining the look that Hartley was giving him. 

No, it had just been too long since he'd been home in bed. His former supervillain was _not_ flirting with him. 

"So he thinks he has exceptional taste, but in fact, has atrocious taste," Hartley said, which Barry would have liked to have argued on behalf of Wally, but it was sadly true. Hartley shuffled through the records for a moment, before pulling out a particular bright green album that looked like it would match the LSD Trip Meets Vomit color decorations of the Teen Titans' lair. 

"Ah, the Great Frog Rides Again," Barry murmured. "I didn't know they actually had a record deal."

" _Had_ ," Hartley said. "Past tense. Definitely. Once you stop the drugs, there's no point to them, so I can only assume that the head of the label is succeeding at some sort of rehab attempt." 

"Well, there's something to be said for reforming," Barry answered.

He was definitely not imaging that look. That was a _Hal Jordan when he was horny_ look. 

"There sure is. You're not a fan of them, are you? Because you're not normally my type, but I was planning on propositioning you in the spirit of making my Yuletide a little more gay and a little less lonely hotel room, but I am going to have to rethink that offer if you like _the Great Frog_ ," Hartley said solemnly. "I take my music very seriously." 

"I don't like them, but my nephew might appreciate them." Or at least appreciate the joke. Maybe he should buy one for all of the Titans. "And I'd like to accept your offer, but - "

"But you're straight? Ring says yes, but the way you checked out the cashier says bi or very, very confused. That's my usual luck. I either fall for the straightest men alive or complete assholes," Hartley said. "And sometimes, the very, very confused." 

"Well, I'm not confused or straight, actually. There are some people who would say I'm an asshole, though." Not too long ago, Hartley had been one of them. Which brought Barry to his next point ... "However, some things are a little complicated." 

"You're married." Hartley nodded to the ring. "As long as she knows that her husband occasionally picks up men, I don't care about your complicated life." 

"She knows. But... " But _you used to be my nemesis, which is a shame because you are really attractive_ was a little hard to say. "There are some things you probably ought to know about me first." 

"You're not a long term guy. You don't even have to tell me your name, if you don't want." Hartley shrugged. "I'm in Room 402 in the motel on Thirty-Second. You swing by after you're done picking up your nephew's present, if you want. No pressure, either way."

It was an easy out, and probably one Barry should have taken. 

But he finished shopping with an hour to go before he had to meet Iris, Wally, and the Garricks. Barry figured, even taking his time, that was left him plenty of time to spare. 

*

**V. Oliver Queen**

Barry watched the Star City cop car speed away with Captain Cold in the back seat. This California weather really was obnoxious, especially in the middle of _December._ It was sweater and hot chocolate weather in the United States. Whatever was wrong with Oliver Queen was clearly shared by his home state. 

"So tell me, how does it work exactly? This whole thing between you and Iris." It didn't sound like a terrible question, except that it was coming from _Oliver Queen_. 

That automatically made it terrible. Never mind that they were cleaning up one of Cold's messes. What the hell had made Captain Cold come to _Star City_ , anyway? It was a terrible thing to do, especially when there was a gingerbread house that Barry had almost been done decorating waiting on him back in Central City. 

His Rogues really needed to find some happiness in their lives and quit trying to ruin his Christmases by doing terrible things like _pestering Oliver Queen._

"No," Barry answered firmly. 

"Why not? C'mon, you're apparently bagging half the Justice League. You might as well tell me your secrets." 

"So you can _bag_ them, too? Ugh, you are so incredibly crude. It's not a wonder your sex life is lacking. You have all the charm of a ... _Mellivora capensis_." 

Okay, generally speaking it was rude to use his beloved science as a tool of superiority. Science was a tool to _help_ people. 

But for Oliver Queen, Barry would make an exception. 

"Hey! I do not _need_ your help getting laid, Allen." 

"Do you want to keep it down? Some of us have secret identities to protect." 

"I have a secret identity!" 

"Like that beard doesn't give it away." 

"I keep forgetting that you are superior in _every_ way!" Ollie was actually shouting now, but that was apparently something the residents of Star City were used to, even on Christmas, because nobody was coming out of their houses to notice the racket. 

Poor, poor residents of Star City, Barry thought. 

"I don't think I'm superior. I think you're an ass. That's not the same thing at all," Barry answered through gritted teeth. 

"No, that's not a superiority complex at all!" Ollie _laughed_ at him then. "Your poor lovers. What it must be like to have such a selfish jackass in the bed with them." 

_At least two of them have come from your bed, so they'd know that well,_ Barry absolutely did not say, and he felt vaguely ashamed of himself that he even thought it. 

"You'll never know. I only pick those who can keep up with me," Barry answered instead, which, once he said it aloud, didn't actually sound that much better. 

"Keep up? Pft, you're the _Fastest Man Alive_ , aren't you? Somehow, I don't think _keeping up_ with you is going to be a problem." 

It wasn't the first time he'd heard the taunt, of course. As far as jokes go, it was pretty juvenile, in Barry's opinion. But as with everything related to Ollie, it was more annoying coming from Ollie. 

Which was the only reason that Barry responded the way that he did.

"I think you should get in your ridiculous Batmobile-Wannabe car and get to your big Wayne Manor Wannabe house as soon as you can," Barry said. "So that I can show you just how much _keeping up_ you can't do." 

Barry only had to wait at Ollie's front door for ten minutes. 

Barry paid for his pride through the fact that _Ollie never shut up_ , even in the middle of orgasms that would have left anyone else speechless. But he was rewarded with the fact that the _stamina_ Barry had been gifted with turned those words into praises to God, Jesus, and ... 

"Fuck, who is the god of lightning?" 

"Zeus? Thor?" Barry responded, enjoying the way his thrust made Ollie's fingers dig into his obnoxious dark green _satin_ sheets that looked like they belonged on the bed of a drugged-up rockstar instead of a grown man. "You need to specify which culture you mean." 

"Zeus and Thor," Ollie managed to mutter with flushed cheeks. "Even your holier-than-thou smarty pants bullshit is sexy right now. Praise God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Zeus, Thor for that lightning strike." 

Barry did smile at that comment, but he would never admit it to anyone. 

And next time, he was sending Hal to deal with his Rogues when they invaded Star City.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to keep things mostly pre-Crisis, but a little post-Crisis slipped in, and Piper's personality is taken more from post-Crisis than pre. But I hope you like it anyway, recipient!


End file.
